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An exclusive article covering the history of hydrodunk.
By Dave "El Diablo del Dunko"
May 11, 2004
Greetings and salutations! This is Dave “El Diablo del Dunko” Hauser here with an exciting
new column for you prospective hydrodunkers out there filled with snakes and spiders and boy-touching Michael Jacksons! No,
you prospective hydrodunkers aren’t filled with the snakes and spiders and Michael Jacksons, that was just a modifier
that somehow got misplaced in the sentence. In all actuality, the exciting new column is the thing filled with snakes and
spiders and Michael Jacksons, but now that I think about it, it isn’t at all. Of course, I could just simply use the
backspace key to erase this whole intro and start over, but I've gone this far already, and I think it'll be better if I just
keep rambling on.
Anyhow, I’m here to talk to you today about the great sport of hydrodunk and NOT thermoses.
What’s hydrodunk you say? Well, I’m glad that I assume that you asked! Hydrodunk is the sport of kings founded
all the way back in the ancient times of Summer 2002. A few well-rounded athletes named Gary Hatez, Jake Crabbs, and Dave
Hauser were playing an equally exciting sport known as Super Bowling™* when Gary and Jake decided to take a dip in the
pool. The two matched up in a heated game of one-on-one pool basketball, rivaling such great one-on-one basketball moments
such as Michael Jordan vs. Larry Bird in a McDonald’s commercial and, of course, Michael Jordan vs. Bugs Bunny in Space
Jam. The game dragged on for hours, and ever the fair sportsmen, the duo decided to halt their game when it became obvious
that no clear winner would be decided until a goat was sacrificed to the God of Sport, Apollo, and neither could find a goat
at the time. The two were joined by Dave Hauser (that’s me), the final ingredient of a recipe for a revolution in sporting
history.
The three began to violently hurl the basketball through the stationary basketball hoop, an action commonly
known as slam-dunking. Soon, the sportsmen entered into a game of one-upmanship, each coming up with innovative slam-dunks
to best the other two. In the midst of the action, one competitor removed himself from the water to jump off the edge of the
pool, perform a slam-dunk, and land safely in the pool. The competition grew fierce, and each sportsman did his slam-dunk
variations of the said dunk, now commonly referred to as the Puritan dunk. But it was a one Dave Hauser (me) who bested them
all.
Dave lunged like a sexy kangaroo off the side of the pool, performed a front flip, dunked the ball, and landed
safely in the water. The dunk sent shockwaves through the entire country. Anyone who didn’t see the dunk could sense
its sheer awesomeness from miles round simply through intuition. Then, Dave’s mother yelled at Dave for doing a flip
off the side of the pool and commanded that the three strapping young sportsmen find a better way to do their slam-dunking.
Soon
after, the men found out that the stationary basketball hoop could be planted on a raft and floated in the water. This led
to experimentation, and after a few painful, digit-removing failures, the three mastered the art of jumping off the diving
board, performing a basketball trick in mid-air, then finishing with the slam-dunk. Thus, the great sport of hydrodunk was
born.
Over the years, this aquatic sport has been refined countless times. Many new styles, or schools, have been invented,
and the game still exists solely as a game of one-upmanship as it always will. The old faces still reside in the hydrodunker
ranks – Dave Hauser with his old school style, Jake Crabbs with his old school/new school fusion style, Gary Hatez with
his satirical style – and a few new faces have joined as well – Andrew Hauser with his new school style and Artie
Rathell with his undescrible style. But overall, hydrodunk has grown tremendously over the years and will continue to be a
dominant sport for ages to come.**
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